Corrales, Daphne-Jayne
November 8, 2009: Period 4
Raves and Clubbing
Rough Draft
As teens grow through life and take their own paths of choices, teens basically just want to have fun and live their teenage life to the fullest. Aside from school, sports and family, all teens love to hang out with their friends and “let loose”. That’s when raves and clubs come into play. These sites are one of the top hang out spots on late friday nights or weekends. This is where teens make the wrong decisions at ravse and clubs because the atmosphere held there.
If its either stress from school or problems with family, teens believe that raves and clubs are the best places to go to get their negative minds off of these things. Drugs and drinking lingers throughout the place coping whatever reasoning the teens are there for especially with their friends and peer pressure.
Because there are always drugs and drinking at raves and clubs, there are much causes to why this is a bad choice for teens. Pills such ecstasy, drugs like meth and pot, and strong drinking causes the mind of every teen who sets contact with it to go blank. Drinking and driving causing death, raping, suicide and other mind killing situations takes place when these things are exposed.
“Peace, love, unity, and respect” is the saying that brings the teens back to raves and clubs every single time. Teens meet new people and just being there is happy for everybody because raves and clubs is where teens get together and have fun.
Different various kinds of teens come through the doors of raves and clubs no matter what. There are teens from every sexuality and genders which causes everyone to mingle and meet new people to have fun with. With roaring techno music, teens dance in a sexual manner because its “sexy”. Because the site is full of body heat, teens plan to wear less clothing to keep cool and to also attract guys to their body. Hardly knowing a person in just one night and being attracted to them cause teens to get emotional about a person which leads to one night stands, rapes, date rapes and pregnancy; things that could live with a teen for life.
I believe that its very important to have fun in your teenage years. But acting responsibly and making wise choices is where the actual fun is.
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Good job Daphne on your rough draft.
ReplyDeleteI like how your put so much details in your writing and it kinda give me a clear picture on how a rave really is.
Got a few runoffs and could cz some more detail in some sentences, but overall, i like it.
heeyyy daphh,
ReplyDeleteGreat job. I can tell you did your research because it sounds like you really know what you're talking about.(that's good thing--i don't mean it sounds like you go to raves a lot)
grammar:
"These sites are one of the top hang out spots on late friday nights or weekends," I would take out "one of" and be sure to capitalize Friday :)
Also, raves is spelled wrong in paragraph uno, and in the next sentance it should be it's. Then at the end of paragraph two, add a comma before especially. Change much to many in "..there are much causes to why this is a bad choice for teens." There's other little grammatical errors like that but nothing big.
I like your narraration because it comes across like someone I know is speaking out to me and it's easy to relate to for teens.
Also, good job with your last two paragraphs because they send your message across strongly.
Anyway, yep great job I loved it,
Hi Daphne,
ReplyDeleteOkay, your essay targets an opposing argument, that raves and clubs are an important part of teen life.
What you need to do to strengthen the essay is to provide specific citation for your information--statistics and specific events or data that show the bad effects of raves.
Then, you need to work on word choice and sentence fluency. See me if you would like help on this. Sentences like: "As teens grow through life and take their own paths of choices" and "Drugs and drinking lingers throughout the place coping whatever reasoning the teens are there for especially with their friends and peer pressure" could be worded much more simply and clearly. The essay would be stronger if you tried to state things more directly.
Let me know if you have questions.
mrs s